march 29

Feeling alone and unwanted.  Joe left at 3pm yesterday, saturday, to get a case of beer, and swing by his favorite bar for a couple drafts.  I thought 3 hours, tops.  I heard him get home at 12:30am.  I was in bed.

I don’t know….he really could have called me and said I’m staying out.  I don’t know if that would have made things better, but at least I would have known I would be spending a saturday night alone.  Which is no different than any other night, since I spend them all alone.

I thought about calling him to see where he was….but, I don’t want to be *that* wife, calling to check up on him.  And he *never ever* has his phone on him.  So I let it go, and he is sleeping now, and I will probably not say anything.

I have come to the conclusion that it is me.  I have no friends.  No one calls me for anything.  No one, other than my kids, spends time with me.  Something is wrong with me.  I don’t seem to matter to anyone.  And no one cares.  I suck.

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february 25

I hate the mood swings that come with menopause.  They really suck.  One minute everything is sunshine and roses, the next minute I want to curl up in a ball and hide.  All while crying my eyes out.  Anymore I don’t know what is real, and what is in my head.  I feel lost and alone most of the time, but once in a while I see a glimmer of hope and happiness.  Is the depression a symptom of the menopause?  Or am I truly depressed?  I don’t know.  Right now I see everything negative in my life.  And everything in my life has the ability to be negative.  This sucks.

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february 13

I am trying not to get depressed.  This winter is cold and long.  And lonely.  I feel myself getting down.  Really down.  I have no friends.  I have no one to talk to.  I keep things bottled up and internalize EVERYTHING.  I don’t know how to break out of this.  I feel lost.  I did not marry my best friend.  I don’t trust myself to talk to him.  I know I should, but I can’t seem to get past that wall I have so carefully put up.

So, here I am alone.  My self-imposed loneliness.  Ready to burst into tears in a moments notice.  Ready to just crawl into a hole and hide.  I’m tired.  Of feeling like this, but I don’t know how to get out…..

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january 26

How old do you have to be before your parents quit affecting your life?  I am 52.  I haven’t talked to my mother in years, 6, I think.  And I still hear her in the back of my mind….nothing is good enough.  Nothing is done according to her plans.  My hair needs cut.  My clothes are too current (trust me, they aren’t).  I haven’t talked to her in years and these thoughts still play over and over in my head.  I don’t even know if I even cross her mind anymore.

I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if I cross her mind at all.  Or I was written off for good, like the couple of her friends that saw her drop while I was growing up.  I wonder if she cares.

Life is easier *not* talking to her.  I don’t have to worry about saying the right, or wrong thing.  I don’t have to walk on eggshells.  But I can’t get her out of my head.  And now with Oldest’s upcoming wedding, she may just show up as she will be invited, and then I *will* have to deal with her.  I am picturing a nice bottle of wine with my name on it in the future…

So again, how old do you have to be before your parents quit affecting your life?  Anyone??

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january 14

Lot’s going on lately.  I find I am talking to myself constantly, so I thought I would write some of it out.  While business is slowing to a more comfortable rate, other things are moving along.

Youngest heads back to school this weekend.  I will miss her, but I know she loves college and it is good for her to be out on her own.  And she is learning soooo much.  I am jealous.

Oldest and her fiancee stop in all the time, now that they are in the same area 🙂  They are trying to plan their wedding for early this summer.  Proving to be difficult because she wants simple and informal, but his family is expecting more.  Some things need to be worked out now, so we can reserve things.  Other details can wait.

One interesting issue will be inviting my mother.  You know, the one I have not spoken to in years.  But Oldest has done well keeping in touch with her grandmother.  I have mixed feelings about her coming.  BUT, she has been invited to other family functions and has not shown up….so, while she may say yes now, she may be a no show then.  I am sure I will be writing about her effect on me after all these years…

That’s about it for now.  Trying to not neglect this blog….I need to have this journal.

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january 3

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.  I believe they just set you up for failure.  Mostly because people tend to name something that is huge and almost out of reach.  At least that is what I have always done in the past.  So I don’t use New Year’s Day  to start something.  I just do it when I want.  When the time is right.

That all being said, I am going to put something out there.  And on here.  And see if maybe I can do it.  I don’t know.  I do know it would make me a better person.  Here goes…

I am going to be nicer.  To Joe.  To the dogs.  To myself. To whomever.

And that is my resolution.  And that means I should be writing here a lot so I can get all the mean and crappy stuff out of my head before I take it out on someone else.  Especially myself.  It’s going to be hard to stop the self loathing that takes over my head every few days.

Wish me luck.  I am going to need it. Or maybe I should say, who wants to put some money on me???

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december 29

So business is finally slowing down a little, and not consuming my life 24/7.  And that’s good, but now I don’t know what to do with my free time.  Trying hard not to eat and eat and eat.  Don’t really want to go out shopping every night either.

I guess I am going to go back to being lonely.  Especially when Youngest goes back to college.  Not that she is here with me all the time anyway….but at least I know she is around.  I suppose I’ll start complaining about loneliness again.  I need a life.

It’s 5:30 pm and I am watching rerereruns of “Emergency!” on our local oldies channel.  Pretty freaking exciting, eh?  At least we have some get togethers to go to over the next couple of weeks.  That will at least get me out of the house and amongst people.  Even if we do keep seeing the same people/family over and over and over.

No wonder I work all the time.  I don’t have anything else to do….

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december 28

I have a headache.  Not a migraine, just a dull headache.  Starting to feel depressed again.  I try to find happiness and joy, but then the self doubt and loathing and unhappiness pushes through.

I can’t stand Joe right now.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t know why we are married.  I don’t think we make each other happy anymore.  I know I have given up trying.  I also know you are supposed to work at marriage too.  I just don’t want to anymore.

He’s not a bad guy.  Everyone loves him.  He is the life of the party and the family storyteller.  And I feel guilty for not being happy with him.  Maybe that’s it.  I feel guilty for not being happy with what I have….I don’t know.  I sure feel like crap.  And I am tired of feeling alone.  *sigh*  I need a life outside of my life.

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december 23

So Oldest is now engaged 🙂  I am happy for them.  They have been together for 4 years now, and they seem very content with each other.  And they like each other.  I hope they will be happy forever.

She has been calling friends and relatives, sharing the good news.  I reminded her she need to call my parents.  That would be the father I do talk to, and the mother I do not.  *sigh* She chose to call my dad, who we do all see frequently, and talk to.  He told her she needed to call her grandmother and tell her, he wanted her to hear it from Oldest.  Oldest doesn’t want to talk to her.  She says she calls her grandmother once in a while, but it is awkward, and her grandmother doesn’t understand why she is calling.  Does there need to be a reason?

What grandchild doesn’t want to talk to their grandparent?  That is so not right.  I am so sorry I spoke (wrote on a blog) my mind several years ago, and ruined our relationship forever.  I should have known that my entire family would be written off.  I know how my mother rolls.

So what should be a happy phone call, filled with good news, is one Oldest dreads making now.  My life is one giant dysfunctional mess.  Merry Christmas.

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december 20

It’s been a heck of a month.  Been working very long hours to get the last of my work shipped out for the holidays.  It’s been rough, but I am done working the “overtime” now.

Christmas is a strange time for me.  I try to find the happiness and joy that everyone else seems to have, and what all the media proclaims we should have.  I really struggle.  I put on a happy face and go to the parties, but I most often wish I were home alone.  Which is weird because when I spend an extended time alone, I long for human contact.  I think I am crazy.

So today I am struggling to get the tree up.  It’s artificial and easy enough to put up, but I just don’t feel like it.  And the kids have no interest.  Sigh.  And that’s probably my fault.  Because I am so busy working up until just before Christmas, I have no time to decorate….and no one else wants to decorate either.  I don’t know.  I used to deck the house out.  Then things got in the way.  And the kids got older and lost interest in helping.  And I don’t want to do it alone.

*sigh*

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