november 5

I am helping a friend sell her wares at a vendor fair today.  Yay!  I get to leave the house AND talk to people.  I won’t have to talk to my dogs all day.  This particular friend can talk a LOT, but that’s okay.  I’ll get out of the house and be around people.  Kind of sad when something like this makes my day.  She may need help on saturday too….

Not so many depressing thoughts running around in my head right now.  Those are the ones that make me question my sanity.  Those are the ones I *need* to write down and get out of my head.  But I find if I stop writing because my thoughts are fine, then I stop writing for a long time.  I need to keep writing.  I need to keep this journal.  It is my only outlet for *me*.

I’ve been married a long time.  30+ years now.  We were married young, 21 and 20.  We had only known each other 9 months before we tied the knot.  No, no pregnancy.  Just madly in love and I needed to get out of my parents house.  We grew up with each other in a sense then.

 I look back and see how much I have changed.  Things I have given up.  I wonder how much I have lost myself.  Does it matter now that I am older?  Is there any sense in trying to get back the things I let go?  Nothing is major, but things I stopped doing because Joe didn’t like to…..or Joe made fun of me for doing it….so I just let things go and moved on.  Now I wonder if I will regret that.  Or did I do the right thing for my marriage? *sigh*  Those are the thoughts rattling around in my head right now.  When I am alone (which is most always) and wondering what to do to pass the time….I don’t like getting older.

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november 4

I am trying to let go of facebook.  It’s not that I post a lot there.  Or even that I have a lot of friends.  Maybe 100.  But it is a time suck.  And reading through posts depresses me.  Seeing what other people are doing and where they are going, while I just sit at home checking facebook.  Depressing.  Everyone seems to lead much more exciting and interesting lives than me.

And then there are the posts that make me gag….I married my best friend.  I married my soul mate.  I am crazy in love with my husband who I’ve been with fooorever.  Yeah, right.  Am  jealous?  I don’t know.  Maybe.

I don’t think I married my best friend.  And I am not crazy in love with Joe either.  And he doesn’t bring out the best in me.  And I don’t look forward to spending free time with him.  We just seem to coexist right now.  In that limbo.  Not crazy in love, not out in out hating each other either.  Just room mates.  *sigh*

 I never wanted my parents life, and it looks like that’s where we are heading.  I’ve never really thought about that before.  They spend months apart in different states.  Then they go on a vacation together.  Then they spend time apart again.  And so on, and so on.  It’s been like that for years.  I don’t want to end up like that.  I guess it is time to figure out what I do want.

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november 2

My sinuses are bothering me.  Allergy pills don’t seem to be helping much, so I guess a cold is coming on.  Phooey.  And this time change makes me tired.  Oh well, I’ll get used to it soon enough.

Spent yesterday with Youngest 🙂  Went to see her march at halftime at a football game, then took her to dinner and back to college.  So nice to see her.  College is suiting her.  She is thriving.  And that is bittersweet.

A joy watching her grow.  And sad knowing that she doesn’t need me.  As much, anyway.  But that means we did our job well.  We raised a smart, kind, considerate, independent young woman.  I can’t wait to see what she becomes when she “grows up.”

I guess I am just rambling tonight.  Not feeling depressed at this minute, but I find that trying to write a little every day helps  to keep me sane.  And gets the thoughts out of my head.  My life is not all sad and depressed.  That just happens to be when I feel the real need to write.  Usually my life is fine and it just goes on.   I need to remember that.

God has blessed me with a good life and a healthy and loving family.  Today, life is good.

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october 28

Yeah, I was feeling okay today.  Got lots of work done.  The day was going ok.  But now I feel blah again.  Joe just makes me depressed.  Hate watching tv with him.  He is not like me.  We are very different.  I hate listening to his comments.  Rude.  Racist.  Bigoted.  Homophobic.  You name it, he says it.  I find it very depressing.  *sigh*  What am I doing here?

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october 26

Depression.  Today is a sucky, depressing, shitty day.  Yesterday was okay.  Hung out with my SIL for a few hours and then watched a movie by myself in the evening.

Today though…..no where to go, no one to talk to.  Just me and my poor dogs.  Today I do not want to be alone.

What the heck is wrong with me?  Why does no one want to spend time with me?  Or heck, just call and talk to me?  I must be a real piece of work.  I don’t know.  Today I feel like crap.

Why the heck am I even here?  No one cares that I am here stewing in my own depressing thoughts.  I am alone.

What’s the point?  I sit here and cry because I am alone.  I don’t want to be alone.  I watch the hours creep by….it sucks.  I hate feeling like this.  I have to find something to do with myself.  I fear I am going crazier than I was before.

I need to shake this.  Get out of this pity party.   Quit crying and feeling sorry for myself.  Quit feeling jealous of people who have friends and things to do.  I feel like such a loser.  A waste.

I thought when you got older, you found yourself.  And your purpose.  Me….I just feel more lost and hopeless than ever.

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october 25

Another sunny day.  Looks like a beautiful fall day.  I will try and get out for a walk.  Having a mental block on the walking.  I keep talking myself out of it.  Bad me.  *sigh*

Let’s see, I have fallen twice on my face.  One time requiring lots of stitches, second time just a bloody chin.  Both times the dogs fault.  So I don’t want to walk with a dog.

We have a bear or 2 in the area.  Haven’t seen it recently, but I know it’s still around.  So I don’t want to walk alone.

We live on a country road, but most cars speed by us.  Some move over, some don’t.  So I don’t like taking a dog.  I am scared they won’t see him and run into him.  I do have a neon orange leash though.

It gets dark too early.

It’s too windy.

It’s too hot.

It’s too cold.

I will go later after I get some stuff done.  Oops, too dark now.

It’s a pain getting my shoes on, water filled, hat on, iPod ready and dog leashed.

*sigh*

I really need to talk myself into it.  I’m sure I would feel better with just a little bit of exercise.  And these beautiful warms days should not be missed.  What is wrong with me?????

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october 23

At least the sun is shining today.  Yesterday was gray and gloomy.  And chilly and windy.  Makes my mood gray and gloomy.  Hopefully a little vitamin D will perk me up today.

Haven’t had a hot flash in a day or 2.  That’s a relief.  I have been keeping the house a cool 64-65 degrees though.  Maybe that is helping too.  Menopause sucks.  I’m hot, I’m cold.  I’m happy, I’m depressed.  I gain weight just by looking at food.  It sucks.

I am trying to eat better.  More yogurt, and healthy snacks.  Less sweets and chips.  Actually, it’s less yogurt and healthy snacks too.  Even a little more food puts weight back on.  I am just trying to get to where I was a year ago, so my winter clothes will still fit.  How those 5 lbs snuck on in the past year….well, it’s just not fair.

Joe is going away hunting for the weekend.  Guess what?  I’ll be alone.  Again.  Doesn’t really matter if he is here or not.  If he IS home, he is sleeping and I am alone anyway.  I put a movie in last saturday, and he fell asleep 30 minutes into Ironman I, and it was not even 9:00pm.  Not even a chick flick.  Or a slow boring movie…..

I guess I am just rambling….time to get to work.  And maybe get myself out of the house for a walk.  Maybe.

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october 21

It’s been a long time.  We are now empty nesters and I spend a majority of my time alone and I feel like my talking to myself may be getting out of hand.  So I thought I would try posting my thoughts again. Maybe getting them out of my head will help me work through them.

So much in my life has changed over the past year, and so much has not.  As usual, I am lonely.  I have family, but no real friends.  I long for a good friendship.  But the ones I try to cultivate here and there….they just fall by the wayside.  It’s hard to connect with someone when they don’t make an effort, and it all feels one sided.  I don’t want to be pushy, you know.

So here I am at 52, lots of family, but friendless.  I have acquaintances, and people I can say hi to if I run into them, but no one to call for a drink or cup of coffee.  Or to go shopping with.  *sigh*  My own fault I suppose for working at home and thus isolating myself from the camaraderie you can find at a job.

I debate finding a part time job, but honestly my business keeps me busy full time, and there really isn’t any time for more work.  And so I stay at home and do my own thing.  I talk to myself, I yell at the dogs, and I swear at Joe when he isn’t here or is sleeping.  I’m mad that he chooses to work night shift and sleep all day and leave me ALONE most of the time.

I am lonely and I have to figure out how to fix that.

I better get to work…

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june 29

Been a heck of a week.  Time flew….even with the ups and downs.  On the upside, Oldest asked me to come visit her in August to help get her classroom ready for the new school year.  Yay!  I can’t wait.  I love where she moved to.

Then we took Joe to a baseball game for his Father’s Day present.  It rained on the way down, but turned into a nice evening, and we all had a good time.

Speaking of rain…..we had wicked storms tuesday and lost our power for 23 hours.  Joe tried to hook up the generator, but instead of just plugging extensions to the fridge and freezer, he tried to be tricky and ended up burning out some stuff 😦  We lost our microwave (was 18yo) and my little kitchen tv, and the transformer in the AC unit.  Ugh.

Unbelievably, the AC repairman only charged us $155 to fix the unit.  And we were due for a new microwave anyway….so all in  all it wasn’t as bad as it could be.

I am so excited to go visit Oldest by myself.  I have never gone anywhere without Joe or the kids.  He, on the other hand, goes away often with his buddies.  Or fishing in Canada with my dad.  I go nowhere.  I can’t wait….I have something to look forward to now.

And that’s it for now….just a little bit of catching up.

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june 19

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago.  It had been a year since my last hair cut.  I got about 4″ cut off.  It was getting long and out of control.  It went from below my shoulders to just above my shoulders.  Very noticeable.  Made me feel good.  Looked neat and tidy and made me look younger.

Joe never said a word.  Not even a “did you get a hair cut.”

I got new glasses too.  I hated my old frames.  They didn’t suit me.  They made me feel old and mad.  Blech.  So I got some new ones that I really like.  They make me happy.  Completely different from the old ones.  Oh yeah.

Joe didn’t say anything for 2 days.  2 freaking days.  And then he asked if I liked my new glasses.  I said, yep I did.  And I asked him if he liked them.  He said, well, they make you look younger.  That’s it.  That’s all he said.

Youngest did notice both things the days I had them done, so I know the changes were noticeable. And she told me they looked different, but good.

Apparently Joe doesn’t like my superficial, physical/cosmetic changes.

Whatever.

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