busy, busy, busy

It’s that time of the year for me.  The most stressful time to own your own craft/gift business.  I’ve been busy all year, but now it’s working every waking moment.  You do what you gotta do…..

On top of being unbelievably busy with work, I had been having Thanksgiving dinner here for the past 13 years.  It started when we went to the in-laws.  The cousins were Bad, and I was thankful to leave.  I then decided to host my own with my family.  Which was great for about 10 years.  But as business picked up, it became more and more stressful.

This year I told everyone I just couldn’t do it anymore, and they said they wondered why I had done it this long.  *sigh*  None of my family has a good house for big dinners, so it was me or go somewhere else.  So everyone is going somewhere else.

We are going back to the in-laws.  SIL just got remarried and lives in a nice big house now, so that’s where we all are going.  The kids are all much older, so hopefully they are a little more mature.  Hopefully it will be a relaxing and stress free day.  I hope.  It will be my only day off and away from the house for a month.  I want to savor it : )

I should mention that in the next 2 weeks I also volunteer at a church bake sale.  We do the baking over 4 days.  Been doing that for a long time, and at 48 yo, I am one of the youngest there.  So these next few weeks are very busy for and I most likely won’t have time to post.  Good Lord, and I haven’t even started Christmas shopping…..I love the internet.

Be back soon…..have a great and blessed Thanksgiving!

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here we go again

So this past weekend Joe and I had to spend a lot of time together. DD2 was gone for the weekend, and we had to go to college to watch some of DD1’s senior activities.  Since I was feeling guilty about how I was treating him, and I had to spend LOTS of time with him, I made a huge effort to be nice to him.

I made small talk in the car.  I listened to what he had to say (except his rant about the government and gas prices.  tuned that out, la la la la la…), held hands, and tried to make the best of a long weekend toegther.  It was nice.  We only snapped at each other once.

Which was a mistake on my part.  Because if I don’t agree with him, I am dumb, stupid and blah, blah, blah.  He cannot stand it when someone disagrees with him.  I wanted to take the direct route home.  He wanted to take the way he had never been before.  Basically point the car and hope the road goes the right direction.  After sitting in the sun at the school football game for hours, fighting the crowd at the outlet to pick up something they forgot to put in my bag last time, I just wanted to head home.

Anyway, we snapped, got over it and had a pleasant dinner out and a nice saturday evening.  Complete with sex.  Woohoo.

Monday was not so nice.  I have to remind myself NEVER to question his actions.  Never.  He called to  ask me if I wanted anything from the local grocery store, because he was stopping.  I asked why?

As in why was he stopping?  And I said weren’t you just there?  (i didn’t asked with an attitude.  i just asked.)  He said that was last week.  And it was last week.  Last week he went to the grocery store and bought bags of food.  AND he went to Sams Club and Walmart and bought MORE food.  So I asked why?

And then we hung up and I went back to work.  Whatever, he is obsessed with buying food.  Whatever.  There doesn’t seem to be any stopping him.

When he got home with his new stash of food, he was none too happy.  He proceeded to tell me I should be glad he goes to the store.  And he proceeded to tell me why he bought each and every item.

Holy crap, the man is a psycho.  I don’t care!  I don’t care why you bought the yogurt.  Get over it.  Do men get hormonal?  Because he is way too sensitive…and he holds onto everything and never lets things go.  I hate it.  I can’t have an opinion of my own without repercussions.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was, the weekend was nice, I tried, I really did.  Monday sucked, and I am hiding back behind my walls.  It’s safer there.

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guilt

I often think that I am nicer to my dogs than I am to Joe.  I am.  And I start to feel guilty about it.  But I don’t know how to change it.  Yeah, just be nicer, you say, but it’s just not that easy.

I’ve been hurt too many times in the past, and that wall is hard to take down.  Heck, I don’t even want to open a door.  And so I sit here feeling guilty because I am nicer to my dogs, than my husband.

I am not a good wife.  I’m just not.  I hate to cook, don’t like to clean, not sure why I am here.  And when Joe does something around the house, or cooks a meal, I feel guilty because I should be the one doing that, right?  When in truth, he is probably just trying to help out.

I feel sad that I can’t get rid of these feelings.  The guilt doesn’t make me try harder, it just makes me withdraw more and become less.  I want to curl up and hide under a rock because I am not living up to what I think Joe expects of me.  And in fact, I have no idea what that is, because I never asked.

And I never asked because I don’t think I really want to know.  Then I will know exactly where I fall short.  And what isn’t good enough.  And what could be better or different.  And in reality, everything is probably fine, and I am just making things out to be things they aren’t and in turn, making myself crazy trying to figure things out.

I hate when my thoughts start going like this.  The voices in my head just won’t stop….Can I blame it on hormones?

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when is it too much

Today was one of those days where nothing was going quite right, and I was having a hard time getting anything done.  I finally settled into a groove around 3 pm, and was starting to get some work done.  A couple of hours later, Joe got up.  My groove was over.

I had the local news on while I was working.  I try not to have the news on when Joe is around because he is just full of hate and opinions and makes everything a political issue.  When it really isn’t.  I didn’t get it turned off in time and the vileness started spewing from his mouth.

I try to tune him out and ignore him.  I don’t say a word.  I don’t look at him when he is on a rant.  I don’t even acknowledge he is talking.  Seriously, I want him to just.go.away.  He has to notice.  He has to notice that DD2 runs for her room when he starts.  He is right, the government is wrong.  It’s all a conspiracy of something or other.  It never ends……

It’s been going on for years.  But tonight was just bad.  And it went from bad to worse when he started in on past politicians.  I don’t think I can take it anymore.  I will have to say something, or I will go crazy.

But then that brings up the reason why I haven’t said anything about it for the past (too many) years.  I’ll say it bothers me, and he’ll tell me I’m crazy.  I’ll say I don’t want to hear it anymore and he’ll say I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

And so it will go…..and in the end I will talk myself out of saying anything.  And I will talk myself out of ever being truly happy where I am because I won’t say what would make me happy.

Sometimes I just hate myself.

 

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monday meanderings

I didn’t sleep well last night.  *sigh*  That’s significant because I have been sleeping good.  Like a baby.  All through the night.  I switched OTC allergy meds I was taking at bedtime, and while I wake up slightly (okay, pretty much) congested, I am no longer tossing and turning all night long.

So what happened last night, you wonder?  Joe was home.  Remember, he is working night shift, so rarely sleeps at night with me.  Plus, he was away on a hunting trip for a week…..but now he is home.  *heavy sigh*

I cannot sleep with him anymore.  I cannot relax if he is in bed.  Why?  Because if I make the slightest movement, he is all over me, touching and feeling and grabbing.  And so I lay awake most of the night, on high alert.  Yeah, sounds even more pathetic as I type it out.

And so today I am going to be tired and cranky.  And of course I have plenty to do.  Monday’s are always busy for me.  And on top of no sleep, I am  trying to fight off DD2’s head cold.  She really doesn’t have to share everything with me.  It’s nice that she does, but really some things she can keep to herself.

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rant about nothing

I volunteer a lot for school.  I generally handle the fundraisers for the one organization.  We just finished up a food fundraiser and it left me wondering, how can people be so stupid?

Orders didn’t get filled correctly.  It took some time, but I tracked down the problem and was working on pulling everything together.  I specifically told the one parent, “Do NOT send the extras in to school.  ”  She was supposed to call me and let me know when I could pick them up.

She never called, so I called her friday and left a message.  Still no reply, so I called on sunday and left another message.  No reply, so I called monday morning and talked to  her.

Seems she sent the food to school on friday.  No one knew why she was sending it to school, or who it was to go to, so her son took it back home.  And they ate it.  Which is fine, because by then I’m sure it was more than thawed, but she couldn’t return my call and tell me they ate it on friday?

I really just needed to know what the heck was going on so I could fix the problem.  She knew I was counting on her food to fill an order, and she never thought about letting me know it was gone?  Honestly, I should have expected that from her.  She is a nice lady and all, but totally clueless and after yesterday, just plain stupid.

I am a very patient person, and I can deal with just about everybody.  After I talked to her yesterday morning, I wanted to cry and scream.  Yep, she got me to the breaking point, but I hung up before I broke.  Never again will I trust her to do what she is told.  Nope, no way.  Won’t fall for that again.

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