march 29

Feeling alone and unwanted.  Joe left at 3pm yesterday, saturday, to get a case of beer, and swing by his favorite bar for a couple drafts.  I thought 3 hours, tops.  I heard him get home at 12:30am.  I was in bed.

I don’t know….he really could have called me and said I’m staying out.  I don’t know if that would have made things better, but at least I would have known I would be spending a saturday night alone.  Which is no different than any other night, since I spend them all alone.

I thought about calling him to see where he was….but, I don’t want to be *that* wife, calling to check up on him.  And he *never ever* has his phone on him.  So I let it go, and he is sleeping now, and I will probably not say anything.

I have come to the conclusion that it is me.  I have no friends.  No one calls me for anything.  No one, other than my kids, spends time with me.  Something is wrong with me.  I don’t seem to matter to anyone.  And no one cares.  I suck.

february 25

I hate the mood swings that come with menopause.  They really suck.  One minute everything is sunshine and roses, the next minute I want to curl up in a ball and hide.  All while crying my eyes out.  Anymore I don’t know what is real, and what is in my head.  I feel lost and alone most of the time, but once in a while I see a glimmer of hope and happiness.  Is the depression a symptom of the menopause?  Or am I truly depressed?  I don’t know.  Right now I see everything negative in my life.  And everything in my life has the ability to be negative.  This sucks.

february 13

I am trying not to get depressed.  This winter is cold and long.  And lonely.  I feel myself getting down.  Really down.  I have no friends.  I have no one to talk to.  I keep things bottled up and internalize EVERYTHING.  I don’t know how to break out of this.  I feel lost.  I did not marry my best friend.  I don’t trust myself to talk to him.  I know I should, but I can’t seem to get past that wall I have so carefully put up.

So, here I am alone.  My self-imposed loneliness.  Ready to burst into tears in a moments notice.  Ready to just crawl into a hole and hide.  I’m tired.  Of feeling like this, but I don’t know how to get out…..

january 31

Yeah, I had an idea what I wanted to write about, but now my mind is blank.  Of course.  So it’s 7pm and Joe is passed out on the couch.  Our nephew and his friend stopped over before noon, and they stayed and drank beer ALL day.  They are young enough to be our kids.  I think they left at 5pm.  So Joe stumbled up the kitchen steps.  Shoveled food into his mouth, then staggered down the hall…really.  I thought he was going to fall.  Then turned the tv on and passed out on the couch.  Fun saturday night, huh?

Oh, and he had to show off his gun collection, so those are all over the bed.  And the drawer from his gun cabinet is on the bedroom floor.   I am leaving the light on in the bedroom, because I am pretty sure he would trip over the drawer if I didn’t.  He might anyway on his way to the bathroom.

Seriously.  Grow.  Up.

Looks like I’ll be hanging out by myself this evening.  As usual.

january 26

How old do you have to be before your parents quit affecting your life?  I am 52.  I haven’t talked to my mother in years, 6, I think.  And I still hear her in the back of my mind….nothing is good enough.  Nothing is done according to her plans.  My hair needs cut.  My clothes are too current (trust me, they aren’t).  I haven’t talked to her in years and these thoughts still play over and over in my head.  I don’t even know if I even cross her mind anymore.

I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if I cross her mind at all.  Or I was written off for good, like the couple of her friends that saw her drop while I was growing up.  I wonder if she cares.

Life is easier *not* talking to her.  I don’t have to worry about saying the right, or wrong thing.  I don’t have to walk on eggshells.  But I can’t get her out of my head.  And now with Oldest’s upcoming wedding, she may just show up as she will be invited, and then I *will* have to deal with her.  I am picturing a nice bottle of wine with my name on it in the future…

So again, how old do you have to be before your parents quit affecting your life?  Anyone??

january 25

Sometimes I google the names of my friends from my past.  A couple I have found and connected with on facebook.  A couple I think I may have found, but can’t be sure.

I think of them from time to time.  Wonder what happened to them, and what they are up to now.  And how friendships just fade away.  Makes me sad that I did not try harder to keep in touch.

I wonder if anyone ever thinks about me….

january 14

Lot’s going on lately.  I find I am talking to myself constantly, so I thought I would write some of it out.  While business is slowing to a more comfortable rate, other things are moving along.

Youngest heads back to school this weekend.  I will miss her, but I know she loves college and it is good for her to be out on her own.  And she is learning soooo much.  I am jealous.

Oldest and her fiancee stop in all the time, now that they are in the same area 🙂  They are trying to plan their wedding for early this summer.  Proving to be difficult because she wants simple and informal, but his family is expecting more.  Some things need to be worked out now, so we can reserve things.  Other details can wait.

One interesting issue will be inviting my mother.  You know, the one I have not spoken to in years.  But Oldest has done well keeping in touch with her grandmother.  I have mixed feelings about her coming.  BUT, she has been invited to other family functions and has not shown up….so, while she may say yes now, she may be a no show then.  I am sure I will be writing about her effect on me after all these years…

That’s about it for now.  Trying to not neglect this blog….I need to have this journal.

january 3

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.  I believe they just set you up for failure.  Mostly because people tend to name something that is huge and almost out of reach.  At least that is what I have always done in the past.  So I don’t use New Year’s Day  to start something.  I just do it when I want.  When the time is right.

That all being said, I am going to put something out there.  And on here.  And see if maybe I can do it.  I don’t know.  I do know it would make me a better person.  Here goes…

I am going to be nicer.  To Joe.  To the dogs.  To myself. To whomever.

And that is my resolution.  And that means I should be writing here a lot so I can get all the mean and crappy stuff out of my head before I take it out on someone else.  Especially myself.  It’s going to be hard to stop the self loathing that takes over my head every few days.

Wish me luck.  I am going to need it. Or maybe I should say, who wants to put some money on me???

december 29

So business is finally slowing down a little, and not consuming my life 24/7.  And that’s good, but now I don’t know what to do with my free time.  Trying hard not to eat and eat and eat.  Don’t really want to go out shopping every night either.

I guess I am going to go back to being lonely.  Especially when Youngest goes back to college.  Not that she is here with me all the time anyway….but at least I know she is around.  I suppose I’ll start complaining about loneliness again.  I need a life.

It’s 5:30 pm and I am watching rerereruns of “Emergency!” on our local oldies channel.  Pretty freaking exciting, eh?  At least we have some get togethers to go to over the next couple of weeks.  That will at least get me out of the house and amongst people.  Even if we do keep seeing the same people/family over and over and over.

No wonder I work all the time.  I don’t have anything else to do….

december 28

I have a headache.  Not a migraine, just a dull headache.  Starting to feel depressed again.  I try to find happiness and joy, but then the self doubt and loathing and unhappiness pushes through.

I can’t stand Joe right now.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t know why we are married.  I don’t think we make each other happy anymore.  I know I have given up trying.  I also know you are supposed to work at marriage too.  I just don’t want to anymore.

He’s not a bad guy.  Everyone loves him.  He is the life of the party and the family storyteller.  And I feel guilty for not being happy with him.  Maybe that’s it.  I feel guilty for not being happy with what I have….I don’t know.  I sure feel like crap.  And I am tired of feeling alone.  *sigh*  I need a life outside of my life.